Putting It All Out There

A little "what if?" game to play in your head. What if your spouse of over a decade tells you that he no longer is in love with you/has had an affair with someone else/is ready to move on? No, it's not my spouse. Or even a close friend or relative's.

What if the people involved in this situation are people you read about in a blog? I've been following a Mom-blog by a friend of a friend, not religiously, but now and again because I liked reading about her life as a working Mom of 3 kids in Austin, and then later in a Dallas suburb, and because her stories were funny and clever. She has a way with words and is a truly gifted writer. But what can you say when her words become too uncomfortable and heartbreakingly sad to read? And you don't even know this person? You go from innocently catching up on Mom-stories to knowing waaaay too much about this woman's marriage, and even worse, it's like an accident on the side of the road-- you can't not look.

She wrote, at first, that her husband said that "maybe this isn't working for him." That was Valentine's Day. Then she wrote that she could not elaborate more about her marriage, except that she did exactly that--about their couples' therapy, her feelings, frustrations, insecurities. And then the other shoe fell--her husband's confession of infidelity--and even more of her intimate thoughts came out on her blog. Until the day she decided not to write anymore, that "my marriage means more to me than my blog." However, only a week later, her marriage had pretty much ended, and the blogging started once again. That was this past Monday.

I feel so much sadness for this woman who I've never even met, because she was blindsided, and her life was already full and challenging enough. When you read a person's blog, you get to know them a little bit, and only 7 days before everything started to fall apart for her in February, she wrote of her marriage:

So far, perhaps the greatest accomplishment of my life. More than my degrees, my career, even my three children... I am proud of our relationship.

It felt more than a little voyeuristic to continue reading this woman's blog after it went from being a thoughtful, funny snapshot of modern family life to a one-sided view of the unraveling of a relationship. But I was hooked, I'll admit it. It was like a real-life suburban soap opera unfolding before my very eyes. I cried through several of her posts. What would I do in her shoes? How would I feel or react?

All the while I was catching up on her posts, I also cringed for her and her family's privacy. At this point, it's almost non-existent. She had upwards of a thousand hits per day on her blog sometimes when her life was "normal." And while there is an awesome online community of strangers who are supporting her through this, it's unnerving to think about the sheer numbers. I send prayers her way, that she will get through this and be stronger, not broken, from the experience. I also pray for her precious children. She and her family have been in my thoughts very much this week. But I also wish, despite how much I admire her ability to put into words exactly what she going through, that she would not write about it at all. So much is out there about her and her family, and these are children whose ages are the same as my kids', whom we now know more about than just what their Halloween costumes looked like or that they love Chuck E. Cheese. I write this a little bit hypocritically of course, as I am still keeping up with this woman's posts. But if her blog finally goes dark, I will respect her silence all the more.

Blogs are such strange creatures in the online world. Kind of like your own personal diary broadcast to everyone and anyone. A tribute to one's own healthy bit of narcissism, in a totally different way than updated-every-second social media sites are. Perhaps that's why my own blogs have never quite moved beyond the merely-out-there-occasionally-updated-rarely-read status: I can't bring myself to write about anything particularly private or intimate from my own life or those of my family members. And sometimes I think that has a stultifying effect on my blogs overall. I don't own my family's thoughts, actions, feelings, words, even as they affect me. They each exist apart from me and our collective "family." They deserve their own private lives.

So my posts are as random as the thoughts and ideas I feel comfortable sharing with the wider world (whoever you are!). I wish I could write everything in my life, maybe my life would make more sense to me(!), but I just can't give up my family and my privacy for that.