comes the dawn
after a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn’t mean security
and you begin to learn that kisses aren’t contracts
and presents aren’t promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow’s ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight
after a while you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers
and you learn that you really can endure . . .
that you really are strong
and you learn that you really do have worth
and you learn and learn . . .
with every goodbye you learn
authoress unknown
I first received a copy of this poem in college, from my advisor at the UT Texas Union, named Carol. She herself had gone through a divorce and, although we didn’t know it, was involved in a relationship with another advisor in our office that had to be kept secret. This was a poem that spoke volumes about Carol's own experiences. In either fall 1990 or spring 1991, she started an informal “women’s group” at the office for whoever wanted to join in and just talk about “woman’s stuff.” It was a great time to be a woman in Austin and UT—Ann Richards was in office and inspired all of us, young and old, to be ourselves, find ourselves, explore all the possibilities available to us because of and in spite of being women. She read this out loud at our first meeting, held on the upstairs patio at the Union. I can’t even remember if I ever went to another meeting, but I’ve had a copy of this poem in my possession ever since then. It has spoken to me at my saddest and lowest points in my relationship, and I have given copies to friends and women I’ve just met when I’ve thought they might need it. Today, I was “cleaning up” some files on my computer and found this poem again, like a long-lost friend. I love this poem as much as I love the poetry that was read at my wedding, because although it relates to the sadness and the aloneness of not being with another person, it is just as inspiring when you most need it. In fact, I have a friend in mind who might find some comfort in these words right now. Thanks Carol, for sending me out into the "real world" with this.
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Statistics & School Days
I realize that despite my vow to post often, I have not been very prolific with this site! Again, I do *think* about blog-worthy items all the time, but very rarely do they seem to make it online! My last blog was started in July and finally finished and posted in August! Need to try harder to express myself on the page. :)
This week was very exciting and strange at the same time for our family. We became a family with a "school-aged child", namely Thalia, who started Kindergarten on Monday. After fretting and fussing about which school she would attend ever since January, we took the "default" option and sent her to our neighborhood public school, Beard Elementary. I must have toured and contacted about a dozen private schools in town, but in the end, we took the simplest option, which was also the cheapest one! Just a few weeks ago, our school was named 'Exemplary' by the TEA based on Accountability Ratings, and that has gone a long way in reassuring me that my kid is not going to a mediocre, overcrowded school. She is going to an 'exemplary', overcrowded school!!! Certainly, test scores do not present a complete picture of what a school will be like, but as one who works in the K-12 standardized testing industry, I consider them to be very important indicators of school success. At the same time, I was the slightest bit suspicious about the Accountability Ratings this year across the board because in 2005, our district had 0 (as in absolutely none) Exemplary schools, and this year, it has 6. Last year, our neighboring district, with similar socioeconomic levels across the neighborhoods, had 1 Exemplary school; this year, it has 11. Are Texas teachers 'teaching' the Test? And is that a bad thing? Regardless, I find a certain amount of comfort in the numbers.
As for Thalia's non-statistical, real-life experiences in Kinder? She had a GREAT week! She was escorted to school, as were the other 175 Kindergarteners, by her family (me, Dylan and Carys). We all walked to school from her friend Isabella's house located very conveniently across the street from Beard. They were so cute walking with their heads together in conversation, while we parents and siblings followed behind! We dropped the girls off at the Cafeteria, which felt a trifle hot (I learned later in the week that the AC is shut down every weekend). Everyone sits at their assigned classroom tables to read quietly the 3 books they are asked to bring from home. What an excellent idea! Thalia had eagerly picked out 3 favorite books the night before, and it has become part of our night time routine now to choose the next mornings books. We left her reading her book and sitting quietly in her chair, while other kids around her fussed and cried as their parents left them behind. I was really proud of my brave little Kindergartener, especially as she did not even know anyone in her class yet (Isabella was assigned to another homeroom). Mrs. G., her new teacher, greeted us as we arrived and lined them up to take them to their new classroom. The whole deed was done without any tears from me or Thalia, which suprised me greatly! I expected to get at least a little misty-eyed, but I didn't! Thalia most favorite part of her 1st day was going through the cafeteria line at lunch. We "practiced" ordering what she wanted to eat beforehand, based on the online lunch menu, and I explained the options she would have. Getting to choose which fruit or vegetable or milk (strawberry, chocolate or white) she could eat greatly impressed her! She met a girl in her class who "sat next to me at circle time, had her cubby next to mine, and took her nap next to me" but couldn't remember her name! We've since discovered it is Morgan, and Thalia thinks she will be her 'new best friend.' And finally, Thalia was even picked on by a big, bad boy on the 1st day! He grabbed her name tag as her class was walking by in the hallway, and Thalia fell on her bottom and cried. Poor thing! A walk to the drinking fountain with her teacher revived her. What a rite of passage! Thalia finished Week 1 with 5 'Excellents' on her take-home Behavior Chart, so we are definitely off to a great start!
Thalia is not exactly new to the idea of "school", having been in early childhood programs and then pre-school since the age of 15 months, but our entry into public school (REAL school!) has been quite a change for us. For 4 years, "school" started at 9 am, and not necessarily on time! Now, our day begins before the sun rises, and that is a tough one for all of us! Also, I have been used to being on a first-name basis with teachers and staff at the private pre-schools we've attended and walking freely around the building. Not anymore! The level of communication with a public school teacher who is in charge of 22 or more kids at once must necessarily be different from our pre-school teachers (3 per 18 kids). I rely now on emails and hand-written notes passed through my kid's backpack. To walk around my daughter's school, I am first interrogated by the school secretary, and must sign in twice (2 different lists) and surrender my driver's license. I know this is all for security reasons, but still, I miss the intimacy and informality of our previous school!
This week was very exciting and strange at the same time for our family. We became a family with a "school-aged child", namely Thalia, who started Kindergarten on Monday. After fretting and fussing about which school she would attend ever since January, we took the "default" option and sent her to our neighborhood public school, Beard Elementary. I must have toured and contacted about a dozen private schools in town, but in the end, we took the simplest option, which was also the cheapest one! Just a few weeks ago, our school was named 'Exemplary' by the TEA based on Accountability Ratings, and that has gone a long way in reassuring me that my kid is not going to a mediocre, overcrowded school. She is going to an 'exemplary', overcrowded school!!! Certainly, test scores do not present a complete picture of what a school will be like, but as one who works in the K-12 standardized testing industry, I consider them to be very important indicators of school success. At the same time, I was the slightest bit suspicious about the Accountability Ratings this year across the board because in 2005, our district had 0 (as in absolutely none) Exemplary schools, and this year, it has 6. Last year, our neighboring district, with similar socioeconomic levels across the neighborhoods, had 1 Exemplary school; this year, it has 11. Are Texas teachers 'teaching' the Test? And is that a bad thing? Regardless, I find a certain amount of comfort in the numbers.
As for Thalia's non-statistical, real-life experiences in Kinder? She had a GREAT week! She was escorted to school, as were the other 175 Kindergarteners, by her family (me, Dylan and Carys). We all walked to school from her friend Isabella's house located very conveniently across the street from Beard. They were so cute walking with their heads together in conversation, while we parents and siblings followed behind! We dropped the girls off at the Cafeteria, which felt a trifle hot (I learned later in the week that the AC is shut down every weekend). Everyone sits at their assigned classroom tables to read quietly the 3 books they are asked to bring from home. What an excellent idea! Thalia had eagerly picked out 3 favorite books the night before, and it has become part of our night time routine now to choose the next mornings books. We left her reading her book and sitting quietly in her chair, while other kids around her fussed and cried as their parents left them behind. I was really proud of my brave little Kindergartener, especially as she did not even know anyone in her class yet (Isabella was assigned to another homeroom). Mrs. G., her new teacher, greeted us as we arrived and lined them up to take them to their new classroom. The whole deed was done without any tears from me or Thalia, which suprised me greatly! I expected to get at least a little misty-eyed, but I didn't! Thalia most favorite part of her 1st day was going through the cafeteria line at lunch. We "practiced" ordering what she wanted to eat beforehand, based on the online lunch menu, and I explained the options she would have. Getting to choose which fruit or vegetable or milk (strawberry, chocolate or white) she could eat greatly impressed her! She met a girl in her class who "sat next to me at circle time, had her cubby next to mine, and took her nap next to me" but couldn't remember her name! We've since discovered it is Morgan, and Thalia thinks she will be her 'new best friend.' And finally, Thalia was even picked on by a big, bad boy on the 1st day! He grabbed her name tag as her class was walking by in the hallway, and Thalia fell on her bottom and cried. Poor thing! A walk to the drinking fountain with her teacher revived her. What a rite of passage! Thalia finished Week 1 with 5 'Excellents' on her take-home Behavior Chart, so we are definitely off to a great start!
Thalia is not exactly new to the idea of "school", having been in early childhood programs and then pre-school since the age of 15 months, but our entry into public school (REAL school!) has been quite a change for us. For 4 years, "school" started at 9 am, and not necessarily on time! Now, our day begins before the sun rises, and that is a tough one for all of us! Also, I have been used to being on a first-name basis with teachers and staff at the private pre-schools we've attended and walking freely around the building. Not anymore! The level of communication with a public school teacher who is in charge of 22 or more kids at once must necessarily be different from our pre-school teachers (3 per 18 kids). I rely now on emails and hand-written notes passed through my kid's backpack. To walk around my daughter's school, I am first interrogated by the school secretary, and must sign in twice (2 different lists) and surrender my driver's license. I know this is all for security reasons, but still, I miss the intimacy and informality of our previous school!
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
The Sister Act
I don't have any sisters, and only one brother. He's great, but he's not female, and my entire life, I have always wished (in secret, and sometimes not-so-secret) that God had given me a sister as well. I've always felt a teensy bit envious of my friends who have sisters, someone to share/laugh/fight with in a way that I never could with a brother. After all, a brother is one of "them."
The entire time I was pregnant with my first child, I thought I was having a boy. Fast forward to the delivery room, April 2001, and I had a little girl! I was so happy that my secret wish to have a girl was fufilled so neatly and nicely, that I was even content with the idea of not having any more children, at least for a while! But we decided to have another one-- just one more!-- and this time, although I was more open to the thought of having a boy, deep down I wanted yet another girl! My older daughter could have the sister that I never had and always wanted. And in May 2004 my wish was granted once again!
Last month, a cover article in Time Magazine was about 'Siblings' and the huge importance brothers and sisters have on who were are. As someone with a social science background, I found the article fascinating, especially since it quoted one of my favorite professors from my grad school days at UT! It also made me realize how blessed I am to have grown up with a sibling, albeit a brother (ha ha ha), and how truly blessed I am to have two little girls who are sisters to one another. Now I get to experience the 'sisterhood' that I never had as a child. Moreover, I actively encourage them to be each other's best friend, in a way that my own parents did not with my brother and me. Simply growing up in the same household doesn't ensure that siblings will grow close, so I knew from the moment I learned I was having a second daughter that I would want them from the beginning to always be there for each other.
The entire time I was pregnant with my first child, I thought I was having a boy. Fast forward to the delivery room, April 2001, and I had a little girl! I was so happy that my secret wish to have a girl was fufilled so neatly and nicely, that I was even content with the idea of not having any more children, at least for a while! But we decided to have another one-- just one more!-- and this time, although I was more open to the thought of having a boy, deep down I wanted yet another girl! My older daughter could have the sister that I never had and always wanted. And in May 2004 my wish was granted once again!
Last month, a cover article in Time Magazine was about 'Siblings' and the huge importance brothers and sisters have on who were are. As someone with a social science background, I found the article fascinating, especially since it quoted one of my favorite professors from my grad school days at UT! It also made me realize how blessed I am to have grown up with a sibling, albeit a brother (ha ha ha), and how truly blessed I am to have two little girls who are sisters to one another. Now I get to experience the 'sisterhood' that I never had as a child. Moreover, I actively encourage them to be each other's best friend, in a way that my own parents did not with my brother and me. Simply growing up in the same household doesn't ensure that siblings will grow close, so I knew from the moment I learned I was having a second daughter that I would want them from the beginning to always be there for each other.
showered, scrubbed, sweet-smelling, smiling sisters
Hooray for the Red, White & Blue! Carys & Thalia decorated our front walk with tiny flags on July 4th I don't think I need to worry about it too much, however. Carys adores her big sister with an intensity that both amuses and shocks me. I think Carys actually thinks that she and Thalia are the same person! And Thalia is exactly what a big sister should be-- protective, loving, and after me and Dylan, Carys' most important teacher about the world around her. I just love to watch them interact with each other, sometimes a tiny bit jealous of their 'sister-ness'. I am filled with pride and joy and even relief that they are so loving towards each other. My Mom used to say all the time that my brother and I should love and appreciate each other because someday, all we'd have would be each other. That's not entirely true of course, since we go out into the world and marry and have families of our own, but your sibling is your special bond to your very beginnings. And somehow, the bond between sisters seem even more special. Dylan is an "only child", and I have noticed first-hand that the saddest thing of all when you're an only child is NOT the growing-up-without-siblings part, but being an adult in the world without siblings. Lucky me and my brother, and lucky Thalia and Carys to have the privilege of sharing our childhood with someone else who will be with us throughout our journey through life.
Monday, June 26, 2006
Who Are You Calling Little?!?!
What's the deal with the blog title, one might ask? Even my husband didn't even know why I named my blogsite "Who Are You Calling Little?"! So here is the story:
Years ago, actually almost a decade ago(!), I worked in the Telephone Information Center of a financial aid office at a large university. I started out as a lowly phone counselor, talking to students, parents and other seeking financial aid information all day long, day in, day out. It was pretty routine, most of the time. One day, a department advisor from the Fine Arts college called on behalf of one of his students. (Department advisors are there to help the students who declare their major in that particular department). This advisor was, of course, seeking more aid for his student, who was probably sitting in his office either sobbing or carrying on in some dramatic fashion. Anyway, this advisor got a little snippy with me when I told him his student had been awarded all the aid he was eligible for. And of course, said advisor demanded to speak with a 'supervisor', threatened to complain to a higher power, etc. etc. etc. (yes, this happened all the time and I was quite immune to his rantings). I told him I would put him on hold and speak to my supervisor about this student's case (BTW, I rarely ever summoned the supervisor; this is something that people who work in customer service do all the time to get the irate person to shut up and calm down). I didn't even put the call on hold, merely pressed 'Mute' so I could give him a 'telephone time-out.' But the annoyed advisor really thought I had put him on hold, so while he was waiting, he started trash-talking me! It went something like this:
"That little bitch actually put me on hold! Who the hell does she think she is? Blah-blah-blah . . ." I'm fairly sure he was talking to his student, and I have to say, *such language* in front of our young and impressionable college kids!
I was more than a little irritated now, so I cut the 'Mute' button and told him "Just so you know, I can hear every word you're saying while you're on hold, Sir."
His response? "Oh." And then, in a whisper to the invisible student, "She can hear me!"
I think I ended up patching his call through to some other counselor who had $$-granting powers so I wouldn't have to deal with his snippy self anymore. Meanwhile, my friend sitting at the cube next to me was cracking up as I had already told her what Mr.-Snippy-Advisor had said about me, and she said I should have picked up the phone and yelled "Who Are You Calling Little????"
The moral is: You can call me a 'witch with a B', but I will not stand for being called LITTLE by someone who doesn't even know how tall I am!!!
Years ago, actually almost a decade ago(!), I worked in the Telephone Information Center of a financial aid office at a large university. I started out as a lowly phone counselor, talking to students, parents and other seeking financial aid information all day long, day in, day out. It was pretty routine, most of the time. One day, a department advisor from the Fine Arts college called on behalf of one of his students. (Department advisors are there to help the students who declare their major in that particular department). This advisor was, of course, seeking more aid for his student, who was probably sitting in his office either sobbing or carrying on in some dramatic fashion. Anyway, this advisor got a little snippy with me when I told him his student had been awarded all the aid he was eligible for. And of course, said advisor demanded to speak with a 'supervisor', threatened to complain to a higher power, etc. etc. etc. (yes, this happened all the time and I was quite immune to his rantings). I told him I would put him on hold and speak to my supervisor about this student's case (BTW, I rarely ever summoned the supervisor; this is something that people who work in customer service do all the time to get the irate person to shut up and calm down). I didn't even put the call on hold, merely pressed 'Mute' so I could give him a 'telephone time-out.' But the annoyed advisor really thought I had put him on hold, so while he was waiting, he started trash-talking me! It went something like this:
"That little bitch actually put me on hold! Who the hell does she think she is? Blah-blah-blah . . ." I'm fairly sure he was talking to his student, and I have to say, *such language* in front of our young and impressionable college kids!
I was more than a little irritated now, so I cut the 'Mute' button and told him "Just so you know, I can hear every word you're saying while you're on hold, Sir."
His response? "Oh." And then, in a whisper to the invisible student, "She can hear me!"
I think I ended up patching his call through to some other counselor who had $$-granting powers so I wouldn't have to deal with his snippy self anymore. Meanwhile, my friend sitting at the cube next to me was cracking up as I had already told her what Mr.-Snippy-Advisor had said about me, and she said I should have picked up the phone and yelled "Who Are You Calling Little????"
The moral is: You can call me a 'witch with a B', but I will not stand for being called LITTLE by someone who doesn't even know how tall I am!!!
The Cake Bu$ine$$
My friend Rachel emailed me the most fabulous cake decorating article. Apparently there is a new movie coming out (or already out in some cities) about 2 rival, high-end cake decorators! Cake ladies have hit the big time!!! I can't wait to see it. In the movie, the cake decorators charge something like $20,000 per cake, or $20/slice! I wish . . . ! Actually, I have definitely noticed a growing interest in cake decorating in the 8 years since I started, and judging from the recent demand for new, technically challenging Wilton Method Cake Courses, people are quite interested in cake decorating as both a hobby and a 'dream business.' I am happy to be a small part of all of this! 'Small' as in $2/slice!
The Mom of one of my daughter's friends told me yesterday, at the 2nd kids birthday party of the weekend for which I made the cake, that she really envied me because of my cake biz! Wow! She said she wished she could do the same, so I told her to 'just do it!' All you need is some really supportive friends to get you started . . . oh, and a little bit of talent. . . . !
The Mom of one of my daughter's friends told me yesterday, at the 2nd kids birthday party of the weekend for which I made the cake, that she really envied me because of my cake biz! Wow! She said she wished she could do the same, so I told her to 'just do it!' All you need is some really supportive friends to get you started . . . oh, and a little bit of talent. . . . !
Sunday, June 25, 2006
Old Enough
For some reason, I feel like I should be starting each post with the words "Dear Diary"! I kept a journal, on and off, for many years, starting in elementary school through graduate school. It amazes me that scores of people now have their own online "diaries" out there, and many of them available for anyone to read. Whatever happened to the notion of the diary with the lock and key?! Incidentally, I am actually old enough to have had a diary (from Hallmark) with a brass lock and key, which made me feel so important when I was 9 years old!
Speaking of being "old" . . . turning 35 has been such a shock to my entire system-- physically, emotionally, etc. Turning 30 was really kind of a nothing, simply a continuation of my free-wheeling 20s. But I really hit the wall with #35! Beyond the physical markers that I've passed this year on the gameboard of Life, I find even more surprising the little cultural markers along the way too. For example, just yesterday I realized after reading a snippet in the paper about the new 'Superman' movie that I am actually old enough to remember both the 1st 'Superman' movie from the 70s as well as the remake. Then I realized that I am old enough to have lived through 2 releases of totally different 'Batman' movies (Batman 1989 and Batman 2005) as an adult!
Now that I am 35, I have also found myself looking back at my childhood quite frequently with a flood of nostalgia. Part of this is because I am a Mom, and truly do relive aspects of my childhood each and every day with my girls. Part of it is also because looking backwards can be so much fun, and sometimes quite revealing. I have even found myself searching online for obscure 70s phrases and themes that I remember from when I was young. 'Battle of the Planets', anyone?! That's the thing about getting 'old' too--when you look backwards, everything is a little bit hazier the further back you go, so I find myself trying to 'sharpen' my memories a bit by delving into them. I'm not entirely sure why this is important to me, but it probably has something to do with turning 35!
Speaking of being "old" . . . turning 35 has been such a shock to my entire system-- physically, emotionally, etc. Turning 30 was really kind of a nothing, simply a continuation of my free-wheeling 20s. But I really hit the wall with #35! Beyond the physical markers that I've passed this year on the gameboard of Life, I find even more surprising the little cultural markers along the way too. For example, just yesterday I realized after reading a snippet in the paper about the new 'Superman' movie that I am actually old enough to remember both the 1st 'Superman' movie from the 70s as well as the remake. Then I realized that I am old enough to have lived through 2 releases of totally different 'Batman' movies (Batman 1989 and Batman 2005) as an adult!
Now that I am 35, I have also found myself looking back at my childhood quite frequently with a flood of nostalgia. Part of this is because I am a Mom, and truly do relive aspects of my childhood each and every day with my girls. Part of it is also because looking backwards can be so much fun, and sometimes quite revealing. I have even found myself searching online for obscure 70s phrases and themes that I remember from when I was young. 'Battle of the Planets', anyone?! That's the thing about getting 'old' too--when you look backwards, everything is a little bit hazier the further back you go, so I find myself trying to 'sharpen' my memories a bit by delving into them. I'm not entirely sure why this is important to me, but it probably has something to do with turning 35!
Thursday, June 22, 2006
"PRICELESS"
5 year old daughter's Dance Recital Fee : $80
Hair stylist to put 5 year old daughter's hair in regulation-bun for Dance Recital: $20
5 year old daughter's Dance Recital Costume: $67
CD of Dance Recital Music: $5
2 year old daughter left at home with Babysitter during Dance Recital: $68
1 pair of matte pink tights required for Dance Recital: $12
1/2 page ad in the Dance Recital Program: $100
Parking downtown during the Dance Recital: $18
Watching our daughter for 6 minutes onstage: PRICELESS!
There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's Dylan & Melissa's MasterCard!!!
Ha ha ha . . . I joked the other day to a friend that our Dance Recital experience last week would make a splendid MC Priceless commercial, so then I decided to write my own! It hurts (my wallet) to think about it! But in the end, the Recital (just like everything else in life) costs what it costs, and it's always exciting to see your kid having her 'moment' onstage! Even when she forgets the ballet steps . . . !
Backstage, Thalia & friends just can't keep still!
Editing Myself
My oh my! I haven't posted a blog since last Fall! But *in my head* I have written some fantastic pieces . . . really! My OFFICIAL reason for not blogging is the lack of time I've had since last Sept. The real, deep down reason is that I am secretly afraid to put words down on paper (ok, computer) that represent me, my thoughts, my opinions, etc. Even when I know no one is reading them! Strange? Silly? Yes! But there you go . . . it's true. So I must simply "get over myself" and "get out of my own way" and just type my thoughts away, without editing myself as I go along. Who cares what someone who might actually be reading my blog thinks? Not I! (anymore!)
That has always been a problem for me-- editing myself. Or rather, selling myself short, thinking I am uninteresting, uninspired, unskilled, incapable, and a host of other words that start with 'un' or 'in' that are negative. Fear of something or other, even if I'm the only one who knows it, has stopped me from doing/saying many things in my 35 years. Aren't I finally old enough to do/say/think the things I really want to do/say/think?! Yes, I think I am, so welcome back to my blogspot, Me!
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